How to Exercise
Hi there! It sounds like you’ve recently made the choice to exercise! What a novel idea. It comes with many benefits, both abstract and tangible, but also mental and physical. It’s a great way to reconnect with both your body and mind, but before we get to any benefits, we’ll have to cover off on some basics.
First off, you’ll need to decide what type of exercise you would like to attempt. Living in Los Angeles, it can seem like there’s an endless parade of options when it come to how you would like to sweat, so it’s important to explore what option will lead to the least amount of self loathing and maximum amount of enlightenment.
If you live in an area where there are seldom other joggers on the street who are A) shirtless and in better physical shape than you thought was possible past the age of 22 and B) moving at a speed that would be more appropriate for a Bird scooter than a human being, jogging could be for you! That being said, in order to be eligible for jogging, you must also be financially gifted enough to live in a neighborhood with a temperate climate and low crime rate. Not sure if your neighborhood is safe and temperature-gifted enough? Take this simple test.
First, go Nordstrom’s and purchase one Diptyque candle. A Jo Malone or Le Labo will do in a pinch, but a Diptyque candle will provide the most accurate results for our test. Something visible from at least 200 feet away is required so you will need to go for a larger model. The scent selection is up to you but if you live in California, something outside of the citrus family is encouraged as the air often is perfumed with the scent of orange blossoms and the effect of your candle could be negated.
Once you’ve secured your candle, place it outside on the sidewalk. Yep, you read that right. Put it right down on the sidewalk and walk inside your apartment and find an activity that will last you approximately 30 minutes. I like to use this time to trim my cuticles or read one of Caroline Calloway’s Instagram captions.
When 30 minutes have passed and your fingers are fresh or brain is boiled by Caroline’s self aggrandizement, check on your candle. If the wax is melted, it appears you may live in a climate-disadvantaged neighborhood and you could risk heat stroke past your first mile and running a singular mile will not provide you with the results your friends and family want from your exercise routine. If your candle has been snatched, you may live in an unsafe neighborhood where things of value must not be left out on the street, and as you are surely worth more than a Diptyque candle, you must avoid jogging at all cost!
However, if your candle is present and retaining it’s cylindrical form, you can expect your jog to be a pleasant one! Maybe akin to the jog that Jane takes with a furrowed brow in Big Little Lies or Tea Leoni takes in the first act of “Spanglish.” What a treat! Be sure to yell, “On your left!” at unsuspecting strangers for me. It’s my dream.
If your neighborhood has failed the candle test, it may be time to consider indoor exercise. This is often facilitated by exercise studios and gyms. For those of you who are unfamiliar with these concepts, I would liken the former to a bastion of spiritual awakening and the latter to a nightclub where everyone’s paid a lot of money to be there but no one can tell you why they came. In this essay, I will not be covering gyms, because that would inevitably lead us to discussing Equinox, a luxury establishment for investment bankers and Instagram personalities that moonlights as one of the main channels formed to support it’s chairman’s penchant for political candidates that uphold the tenants of white supremacy. This won’t work anymore because we have the internet and options. And contrary to popular belief, abs are less important than opinions, which was a lesson most recently learned by Milo Yiannopolis.
Where was I? Oh yes. The most spiritually-charged corners of the exercise world, exercise studios can vary vastly from one to the next but all follow similar doctrine and format. So get ready to reach inside of yourself and prepare for an awakening of both your sweat glands and highest sense of self.
When entering a exercise studio, it’s important to immediately establish that you are willing to follow the customs and doctrine of that particular sect of exercise. For example, it’s customary at SoulCycle to take your own shoes off as a sign of respect and put on the vastly inferior cleats that they will provide to you. A young maiden or gay man who has dedicated their life to the art of the Soul will greet you and cheerily provide them.
If you choose to attend a studio that practices a yoga-based doctrine, you must bring your own rubber mat. As a sign of respect for the concept of poverty, they will state there are mats available to “borrow” which you may take, but in accepting this you must be aware that you have now established yourself as the most humble of the attendants and take a spot in the very back corner of the class. It’s also very important to make a good impression with the attendant of the yoga studio. Often a middle-aged women adorned with semi-precious stone bracelets and holding an art history degree, this is one of the most important members of this type of studio.
She must be acknowledged and/or humored and you must never try to use a second “first time students” deal under her watchful eye. This is very disrespectful in her culture and she will not understand your lack of funds that can be readily dedicated to the studio, for the concept of money has no place in her understanding of the world. However, the concept of tithing is alive and well.
While studios practice their own sacred rituals, from poorly executed weight lifting at CrossFit sanctuaries to ballet inspired torture to the inner thigh at PureBarre temples, it’s important to realize one of the most important similarities between all sects: you must look your best when you attend and wear the proper vestments. Luckily, there are several companies that make clothing appropriate for attending these anointed spaces. Lululemon Athletica, Alo and Outdoor Voices all manufacture vestments appropriate for your spiritual practice. You may be puzzled at how these simple t-shirts and shorts cost more than clothes that you would like to avoid sweating in. This is normal, but as the tradition goes, you must humble yourself in order to make these purchases and believe that the processes presented by your exercise studio will craft you into a better, much broke-er, person over time. Praise be!
Only when you have learned the preliminary rituals and have the proper vestments are you ready to attend a “class,” or service at your studio and interface with the “instructor,” or guru. Gurus can come from all backgrounds and present in many different forms. At SoulCycle, the gurus tend to be energetic and forceful in their teachings. They preach enlightenment while bouncing from student to student to encourage and guide. Charismatic in nature, the guru evokes great emotion and will call for the students to speak in tongues and proclaim nonsense phrases like ‘I am worth it!” at their command, while simultaneously cranking the resistance up on the apparatuses where they worship. The guru commands the lighting, music and even temperature of the sanctuary compliment their message. He or she bounces from attendant to attendant, stoking their spirit and bringing them further into the fold. Exhausted, each attendant leaves sweaty and shaking, held together by the tensile strength of their leggings and fortitude of spirit.
However, if you attend a more solemn service, like those offered by a yoga-based congregation, you can be expected to change positions without much direction and slowly move through the service, contemplating your existence and purpose while you practice the movements and positions that have guided followers of the practice for ages. You must trust in the process and follow the example given by those who have come before you. They can explain the meanings behind every movement, but you must earn their trust. You must show your dedication while choking down the essential oil laden air. While the lack of explanations or enthusiasm can be off-putting to some, many followers of this practice view it as the purest form of exercise studio-based practice as the basis for all studio-based practice.
Regardless, it’s important to remember that all studios require that you tithe at least ten percent of your income when you enter. If you can give more, you may do so in exchange for a “membership” or “class package” and the privilege of early access to vestments that clearly state your devotion to the studio. This is highly encouraged once you have found a studio where you would like to gain higher status among the attendants. Once achieved, be sure to readily volunteer your status to family and friends when asked about your weekend plans or new found sense of spiritual awakening. They’ll love it!
So now that you’ve found a studio, you can emerge as a gleaming, sweaty and nylon-clad ideal. You will take the spots in the front row of classes, attribute your success to your practice and parrot the words and feelings of your guru to all who will listen. The light of this world is now contained in you and you in it. With every step, you will spread the message of exercise. And this will serve you well.
And as you live your life in the eternal sunshine of your own making, you’ll drive your car to the studio, park alongside a meter and fill it with quarters made for laundry and feel the warm beams of light on your back as you walk towards the doors to your continued salvation. But wait… Something is different.
Walking past the coffee shops and vintage stores and bicycle repair shop, you spot a grand opening sign. A woman clad in moisture-wicking fibers is at the door. She is thinner, or sorry, “more-enlightened” than you and hands you a flyer accompanied with a knowing smile. A free week with another guru.
You think about it… but rush to your own sweaty space within the spiritual landscape. But it bugs you. You think about sweating more. You think about how it could be with a guru who’s maybe closer to reaching their own spiritual apex. You think about the white, marble entrance of the other studio. And you get up and go. Because to stay would be lazy and you’re not lazy. You’re the opposite of lazy.
You know how to exercise.