It’s 2020 and You Need a Plan
This week, after I had been politely called out for mislabeling documents as something typed up in the last decade, I was made aware that it is now 2020. Wow, a new year and new opportunity to reinvent yourself as something better… more pure… full of adaptogens and potential energy bubbling right below the surface. Like Gwynth Paltrow — ’s dog.
But we’re not here to talk about everyone’s favorite Brentwood Baby turned pseudoscientist turned Ryan Murphy muse. We’re here to talk about New Year’s resolutions and how we’re going to manifest destiny, or at least a car dashboard that doesn’t light up like a Christmas tree every time you put your key in the ignition because you don’t know a damn thing about “coolant levels.” Side note - doesn’t the phrase “coolant levels” evoke the image of your douchiest friend texting you, asking about the vibes of a party that you’re already at? No? Just me?
Ok, well that allows us to get into what we’re going to attack in this great, already wildfire and Megxit-filled year! First off, I thought I would write a little bit about finding the right mission statement for the year. It’s important to have a phrase that you can use to put you back on track and remember your purpose in life. Need inspiration? In 2017, mine was “fight everyone.”
And boy I did! That year called for unbridled aggression in all forms as I navigated my first real year of working for a corporate entity. We let unceasing rage bring to light the injustices of the world and spite for other’s opinions push us to new heights. Did feelings get hurt? Yes. (Note — mostly my own.) But damn, we really got some shit done.
In 2018, it was “find and kill god.” While this could be construed as a metaphysical warrior quest to venture to a place not present in this realm and exact my revenge on a being that has no exact nature and therefore may not even be held to the construct that is life and death, it was not. It was more an excuse to kill my own darlings and stop putting people older than myself on a pedestal. We learned adult-shaped people are seldom leaders and will disappoint you. It happens and it’s natural, but we also learned that many people will see your ignorance as an opportunity. You need to really listen because people will tell you who they are when they think you’re not listening.
For 2019, we settled on “take it seriously.” My life had started to seem like a joke that I didn’t find funny anymore when I stepped out of a New Year’s Eve party onto Skid Row and the realization that I was in no way living up to my potential hit me harder than a bus driven by a team of Brené Brown working the steering wheel and Jillian Michaels running the pedals. So we picked ourself up. We went new places. We got a new job. We told the people we care about we love them and realized that there is no “when I grow up” anymore. You’re grown, you little idiot baby who needs to find the password to his Vanguard account and didn’t know that “Net Carbs” are a scam.
So now we’re here, staring at a new year like a boomer in a pharmaceutical commercial staring lovingly at a sunset-drenched coastline with his wife who is no less than 20 years his junior. It’s time to make resolutions and luckily I’ve come with some ideas. Of course some of these will naturally be dropped throughout the year as we grow weary of this trip around the sun, but it’s important to just launch the intention into the universe because it could inspire someone else to make their most meaningful resolution yet.
Resolution #1 — Be Ok With Silence
I talk a lot. And I’ve realized that I need to slow down or else I’m going to run out of content by the time I’m 30. I’m not getting any more interesting as a person so I’m sure my prime days of living out melodramatic, salacious exploits from my youth are behind me and I’m going to be in danger of running out of stories or ways to contribute to any conversation in a meaningful ways. I’m at threat level Orange of becoming the Drunk Uncle of my own life. It’s a difficult truth but if I maybe cultivate a little restraint and aim to talk less about myself constantly, we may just stoke a little mystery and create a shade of contrast in our interactions, like when Adam Sandler does a dramatic role so we can find it in our hearts to forgive him for The Cobbler.
Resolution #2 — Know Where Your Money Goes
Like a 42 year old reading the writing on the wall on a Saturday afternoon while their partner is “at a conference” for the third time that month and preparing for an eminent divorce, I decided to take stock of my financial situation. I made a budget, did some analysis, and realized that I could be truly harnessing my income to actually benefit myself long term and get me out of an office job before I start ending verbose, unspellchecked emails with “But that’s just my onion. Love, Samps + Cold Brew” out of pure lack of impulse control.
I spent a lot on crappy weekday lunches I don’t remember or cocktails that I thought would “elevate my experience” at some bar with a live-edge wood bar and bartender who’s sure to have a Pendleton throw smothered with labradoodle drool sitting on his couch and a chip on his shoulder. Not today, mezcal. I’ve decided it’s time for austerity measures and to focus on things that matter to me — looking great and leaving parties early. Neither of these can be achieved with a $14 panini or long night on an uncomfortable barstool sandwiched between two of LA’s greasiest real estate agents.
Resolution #3 — Turn Your Personal Hate to Professional Heat
I wake up each morning with nothing but love in my heart for the entirety of the world or seething with anger for anything that is not Bojack Horseman or the Starbucks Honey Almondmilk Latte. There is no in-between. It’s time to channel this spite into productivity and continue to propel myself through life powered by nothing but pure anger for people’s perceptions of my impact.
It’s tough being a strange person. I feel so genuinely disconnected from others that it can seem like each day is a new opportunity to dismantle my sense of self in an effort to understand what the hell other people do to make it through life. I have to perform psychological triple axels to see life or work from the perspective of anyone around me. It just all feels so oppressive and the only way to be freed from the boredom of compromise may just be life in a van down by the river or complete and total Superstardom.
This why it’s time to channel my spite into unrelenting drive and proverbially rip the world a new one in order to become an entity who gets their way 90 percent of the time by any means necessary, be a reality TV show on The Zeus Network, marriage into a steel fortune or by starting beef with blue checkmarks on Twitter.com. It’s time to get off the sidelines of life and claw our way to relevancy because America isn’t getting any fair-er and your boy needs a 16 footlong waterfall-style granite kitchen island in his home by age 35 or there will be hell to pay. Also, let’s be real, if you don’t think you can achieve your dreams, some boring boy with half the talent as you will and it’s gonna suck watching him live out the rest of your life if you don’t put up some shots.
So there you have it, this year we’re gonna be ok with the silence, spend smart and take serious chances when it comes to actually getting what we want from life. That’s why the motto for 2020 will have to be “be above it.”
This year, there’s going to be tons of controversy in politics, even more environmental disaster, and I’m sure each and every boy I find remotely interesting will find a way to give me a migraine. However, if we can bring ourselves to a place that allows us to intervene in meaningful ways and make small differences, we’re able to look down upon our problems and not up at them. We’ll do the smart thing and let a better, more informed perspective guide the way because that’s the privilege that time on this Earth gives us… and you may be surprised what a new perspective can do for you.
